A Reason To Live
by somakeitcount
Summary: Edward returns to Forks ten years after he left at the beginning of New Moon . What does he learn when he comes back, and how does he change? One-shot. As told by Edward Cullen. Rated T for character deaths. Alternate universe!


A/N: This is a darker, more angsty one-shot, brought to me by one of my plot dustbunnies. I think I need to get this one out before I can do any writing for _TF_. I hope you enjoy it. It is set after Edward left, and we're going to go under the assumption that he never came back. This is the most date-detailed fic I have ever written. Pull out the tissues, because I sobbed while writing and editing this. I actually felt bad after writing this, because I don't believe that Bella nor Jacob would have ever been heavy drinkers, especially to drown their sorrows. Furthermore, I think Bella would be an absolutely amazing mother, and it makes me sad to portray her as less than that. But in any case, the show must go on. I hope you enjoy the story anyway. LOOOOVE.

EDIT: I edited it a few hours after I posted it to add in some more thorough explanations throughout the story.

Disclaimer: I do not own any portion of or ideas from Stephenie Meyer's books. I only wish I did.

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**A Reason To Live**

It was misty as I drove into Forks for the first time in ten years. September fifteenth, two-thousand and fifteen didn't seem like the most appealing date to return, and I feared that it would stir up more commotion and pain than I wanted to. This was supposed to be a good day for me; I just wanted to see how she was doing. And maybe, just maybe, I'd speak to her.

Somehow, I had gotten on without her. It had been exceedingly painful for the first couple years. I was plagued with memories of her every moment. Nothing I did could make her face, her voice, her laugh stop floating into my mind. I ended up visiting most of the countries in Europe again, and Jasper and Emmett took me on a two month hike through the Alps. Everyone did as much as they could to ease my suffering. Nothing seemed to work, however. I almost chose death when Rosalie told me that Bella had killed herself. Thankfully, Alice had gotten to me in time before I did something very stupid in Volterra. It was enough to know that she was still alive. I lived to see another day.

Sadly enough, the only thing that eased any of my pain was the killing of Victoria. I finally found her four years after I had left, and learned that she had never touched Bella. Her death was quick. Miraculously, following that, things began to get better. And now here I was, back in Forks, testing my will once again.

I pulled the car into a lot near the visitor's centre that had only recently been placed in Forks. I pushed the glass doors open, sliding through them soundlessly. A young blonde woman whom I had never seen before sat behind the desk. Her eyes widened when she saw me, and I gave her a small smile. "Welcome to Forks Information Centre," she managed to choke out. "How may I help you?"

"I'm looking for a Bella Swan. She's Chief Charlie Swan's daughter. Can you tell me where I might be able to find her?" The woman's face fell, and I frowned.

"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "Miss Swan died a little under a year ago." In that moment, my world stopped spinning. Bella was gone.

"Can... Can..." My voice was barely a whisper as I tried to find my words. "Can you tell me where she's buried?"

"Forks Cemetery," she said, her voice as quiet and as pained as mine. I thanked her softly, and walked out into the cool air.

Bella was gone. My sweet, beautiful Bella was gone. She had left this Earth for one reason or another, and now I knew that there was nothing to do but to follow her. I closed my eyes for a moment as I walked toward the cemetery. I couldn't bring myself to drive, for fear that I would do something impulsive and stupid before I could see where she was buried. My feet shuffled rhythmically to the beat that once belonged to Bella's heart, one of my favourite sounds that she had ever made around me.

Somehow, I found her tombstone without any direction. It was on the top of a small hill, bathed in the dim light of day. If my heart was beating, it would have stopped then and there. Jacob Black, a boy who had lived on the La Push reservation, was buried beside her, deceased a little under a year before Bella. I did the mental calculations as I sunk to my knees before her final resting place. She had been twenty seven years old; she barely had a chance to live her life. I read the epitaphs on the stones before me over and over.

_Jacob Black_

"_If wealth is measured by the love_

_you can feel for someone, then I am_

_the richest man to ever live." - J.B._

_Gone, but never forgotten._

_Isabella Marie Swan_

"_To feel pain is better than to not feel_

_anything at all. Live with no regrets. Love deeply._

_Forgive, but never forget the past." - I.C._

_To know her was to love her._

Dry sobs broke from my lips as I crumpled into a heap. My body shook violently, and myeyes burned with the venom that would never fall. She was gone. She was truly gone. I crawled to her tombstone, pulling myself up on it and pressing my cheek against the cold marble surface. It was colder than I was, and it felt good against my skin. My fingers traced the lines of the words gingerly, the last connection that I had to her. I noticed, suddenly, that in the bottom corner of the stone was something professionally carved in, the same font as the rest of the epitaph. I gasped as I read it.

_E, C. home. Love, B._

I knew that this was for me. She had wanted me to find it. There was no other explanation for it. She wanted me to go to the last residence of the Cullens in Forks. I pulled myself up to my feet, pressing my lips against her name. "Bella," I whispered. "Bella, I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry I wasn't here to save you..."

I had never run as fast as this before. Desperation was fueling my body, pushing me forward with an urgency. I was in agonizing pain over the loss of my Bella, my sweet, sweet Bella, but I did not stop. I had to find out why she was directing me back to the Cullen house. The last place I had seen her truly happy.

I slowed down as I broke through the trees and into the meadow that my old house sat in. It was still as big and as beautiful as it had been on the day that Esme had finished restoring it. The meadow had grown up significantly, and the windows were dirtied, but it was still there.

When I finally came to a stop on the porch, I found a small stack of papers stuck to the door in a plastic bag, sheltered from the rain and wind. I unzipped the bag, nearly choking and breaking down as her scent flooded out of the bag. With shaky hands, I opened the letter as I took a seat on the steps. My name was written in her handwriting on the front, and I had to close my eyes to get myself under control. I knew that this was going to be more painful than I could ever imagine.

I unfolded the papers, smoothing them out gently, lovingly, on my lap before I brought them up to read.

_My dearest Edward,_

_If you are reading this, then you already know that I am gone. But please don't be sad, although I know you won't listen to that request anyway - you always were pig-headed. I need you to stay strong, just like you wanted me to be when you left._

_I have to admit that when you left, I was anything but strong. I was weak, Edward. It hurt to even breathe without you in my life. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Charlie almost had me hospitalized a few times, and once he tried to send me back to Renee, "back home", he had said. But Phoenix wasn't home for me anymore -- it never was after you came into my life._

_I want you to know that, eventually, I did it, Edward. I moved on. I lived, I loved, I laughed. I ended up going to university (I know, can you believe it?), and after that I actually went to med school. That's right, I became a doctor. I worked at Forks hospital for the longest time, and it was soothing. I hope you're proud of me. I really did fall in love with helping people; I can now understand why Carlisle was so dedicated._

_Although for many years I swore that I would never love again, I did fall in love with someone. Jacob Black, from La Push, became my best friend, my confidante, and my lover. I told him everything, Edward, everything. I hope you're not angry with me. The day I decided to tell him, I was more on edge than you'd believe. I was so afraid that he was going to think that I was out of my mind. My heart wouldn't be able to take another loss like that. But surprisingly, he understood completely. You probably won't believe me, but Jacob (and a bunch of others from La Push) are werewolves. They come into it (if you want to put it like that) when there are vampires around, and for a long while, Victoria was stalking around here. They do this thing called imprinting; when they see the right person for them, their soulmate, they feel it and know it. Jake admitted that he had never imprinted on me, but I think that was okay. He loved me like I needed to be anyway._

_I can admit that I never loved him like I still love you, and he knew that. But I still tried. I gave him every part of me that I could find, every piece of my shattered self that I could salvage from the wreckage. And he loved ever single piece of me. Every single piece. He held me when I needed to cry, made me dinner when I worked late at the hospital, and rocked me to sleep more times than I'd like to admit. He was wonderful._

_There was one thing that I did every year for five years after you left that he never knew about. Every September fifteenth since you left, I'd go to your old house and I'd sit on the steps, praying that someone would come home. Someone that could prove to me that you had been real. No one ever did after Alice. I wanted to go with her to save you, but she wouldn't let me. I guess it was for the best. I got a letter from her telling me that you were alive, and that got me through a lot of tough nights. It did not take me long to realize that if you had of come back, no matter how much I loved Jacob, I would have left everything behind in a second to be with you._

_After seven long years without you, I decided that, in December, 2012, I needed to take a trip and get away from everything. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I had to go alone. It broke Jacob's heart, and I will never be able to forgive myself for it._

_I travelled virtually all over Europe, even visiting Volterra for a brief time. There were so many beautiful places. The only thing that slowed me down was a brief hospital stay in London. After that, I began traveling with a companion. I was happy, but still as empty as always._

_On December second, 2013, I got a call from one of my colleagues that had managed to track me down. I hadn't left a number to reach me at, and so no one had been able to find me until then. Jacob had been brought into the hospital with alcohol poisoning over a dozen times since I had left. They didn't think that he was going to make it this time._

_I flew home as soon as I could, and spent that night with Jacob in my arms at the hospital. I apologized to him for everything I had done to hurt him, and he was surprisingly ready to forgive me for everything. I told him how much I really loved him, and he did the same. For a while, I thought everything was going to be alright. We talked for hours that night. I was so happy for him; he told me that during this hospital stay, he had imprinted on one of the girls. He also admitted to drinking constantly because of me; it was the only way he could forget me in the least. His family and friends had tried to talk to him, tried to get him help, but he couldn't get over it. He had spent a month in rehab down in Seatle, but later checked himself out. Jake compared the way he was to the way I was when you left; he was a zombie. Everything had hurt and nothing made sense any more. It's strange how alike we were._

_The next morning, when I went to the front desk to call Charlie, to check on things at home, Jake passed away. That was on December eleventh, 2013. Like I said before, I'll never be able to forgive myself for breaking his heart; he drank himself to death on my account, and the one time I found out and came home, it was too late to save him._

_My heart exploded again, leaving me utterly broken. I worked long hours at the hospital for months, and when I wasn't working, I was drinking. I know that that doesn't sound like me, but I've found that desperation and depression can change people. I tried to drown my broken heart in alcohol day in and day out, but I could never get drunk enough to stop thinking about Jacob or you. I was so angry at myself that I couldn't make anyone love me enough to stay with me. Charlie and I had an argument over it one night, and I stormed out of the house. I know that no one should ever drive drunk, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I ended up gunning the car down the highway, and, as crazy as it sounds, I swear that I could hear you yelling at me. The sound was the most beautiful thing I had heard in a long, long time. I ended up at your house, but after one look, I couldn't stay. On the way home, Charlie pulled me over and arrested me. He agreed to bail me out after I had sat in a cell for about twenty four hours, but on the condition that I cleaned myself up. For myself, for my family. I agreed, and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done besides getting over you. To deal with the pain, I started painting. Charlie has every one of them hanging in the house. He's so proud of me._

_Eventually, I eased back into a relatively normal life. But it all changed very suddenly and violently one day. On July eighteenth, 2014, I collapsed at work, and was admitted into the hospital. Two days later, I was diagnosed with leukemia._

_That was when Charlie took over all of my affairs. Everything. I can never thank him enough for what he's done for me. He helped me get my will in order, "just in case," as I always told him. I'm now terminally ill, and my doctor gives me another month or two. I'm going home to Charlie's to spend time with my family tomorrow, to live out the time I have left. I'm terrified. I don't want to die._

_I am truly sorry that you had to leave on my account, Edward. I tried my hardest to live without you, and eventually I did. I overcame obstacles that I never thought I would be able to overcome. I want you to know that I fought so hard against my leukemia. I struggled day in and day out against it. In the end, it won, but I fought it still, even when I knew the war was already decided. I want you to know how much I loved you, how much I still love you, and how much I will love you, even after my death. I will never leave you._

_I do need one favor from you. I need you to break your promise to not follow me after I die. In any other case, I think you'd probably disregard this wish (pig-headed bugger, you know it's true). But I'm going to give you a reason to live. I'm going to give you a reason to stay on this earth: my daughter._

_I got pregnant in the October before I travelled. She was born on June sixth, 2013 while I was in London. I was twenty-five years old and terrified. But the moment I saw her, I loved her more than my own life. I wish you could have seen her for the first time with me. She was more beautiful than words could describe, and still is. Her name is Shealynn Ellie Black. Yes, she is Jacob's daughter. I was shocked when I first saw her, because she reminded me of you. You see, she has the most beautiful alabaster skin that I have ever laid eyes on, on a human. It is so close to your skin colour that it's ridiculous. She has Jake's black hair, and, as I'm told, my eyes. Jake was ecstatic when I told him about Shealynn. You should have seen his eyes when he held her for the first time. It was absolutely incredible._

_I want you to take care of her for me with Charlie. She has her Grampie, but she needs a Daddy. And I know that no one could be a better father to her than you. Charlie knows that I want you to help him take care of her, and he agreed with me when I brought it up. I wish I could be there to see you hold her for the first time. You're going to love her. Take her to the meadow for me, and tell her my story, your story, Jacob's story, our story._

_I have to admit that I'm absolutely terrified to die, Edward. I don't want to die. I've messed everything up so badly, and yet, I'm not ready to leave. I want to make things better. I have so much to live for now. I haven't been the best mother to my daughter, and I know that. I travelled with her and mothered her at that time, but once Jake died, I wasn't much of a mother. I was greedy, thinking only of myself after work every day. I thank God that Charlie was there to take care of her. Billy Black also spent a lot of time at the house with her. My only real regret is that I'm not going to be around to see her grow up. I wish that I had of spent more time with her, instead of only thinking about myself. I'm so thankful that Charlie forced me to clean up; God only knows that I wouldn't have spent any real time with her at all until I was on my deathbed. She's only young, but she has the most wonderful personality. I regret not being a real mother, considering it was my only chance to be one. I hope that she can forgive me for the time I lost with her, and still love me for the time I did get to spend with her._

_My thoughts of you and my daughter have pulled me through this ordeal, these last few months of hell. I ended up finding all of my old things under my floorboards. It amused me that everything I needed to remember you was so close. Shealynn's smile lights up my days. I've cried myself to sleep staring at your picture so many times now... I fall asleep to your lullaby every night. I'm trying to be brave for everyone, but I'm really falling apart at the seams. I'm scared, more scared than I have ever been in my life._

_I want you to know that I never stopped loving you, and that every part of me is still dedicated to you. I love you more than words can describe, and I wish that I could see you one last time before I go. I wish I could hold you and kiss you again, I wish that I could hear your voice, to hear that you lied when you said you didn't love me anymore. Part of me still screams that you lied to me, and I cling to that voice now. I know you loved me. I know you did. I wish that you could have been here to save me, although I know that you won't come. Please don't forget me. Tell the others how much I loved them, all of them. I love you so much, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. You were always my reason for living. Be safe._

_Love, Bella._

I read the letter over dozens of times, my fingers touching her handwriting over and over, intoxicated by the scent of herself that she had unknowingly left behind. My hands shook as I closed my eyes and hugged the papers to my chest. I curled up, pulling my knees to my chest and sobbing without tears. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." The words tumbled from my lips over and over. My heart shattered, wishing I had of come home sooner. I could have saved her. I was wrong to have left her in the first place. It was all wrong.

After who knows how long, I finally stilled. My heart ached, but I could not cry anymore. I folded the letter carefully, kissing it before placing it in my pocket. "I love you so much, and I always will. I'll see you again some day, I promise." My voice was barely a whisper as I said this. One day, I would follow her into death, and I would hold her and kiss her and love her again. I would see Jacob and his sweetheart, and I would thank him for taking care of Bella, for loving her after I made an unforgivable mistake. But for now, I had to stay alive. I now had a reason to live: Shealynn.

A/N: I really hoped you guys liked it. It would mean a heck of a lot of you guys would let me know what you thought of it. This was actually really painful for me to write, and I had to stop a few times to cry. Hope to hear from you guys soon!


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